Ellen Saravis

This morning my husband said something VERY profound…he was relaying to me how a co-worker was being negative, and was trying to engage him in his angry diatribe…you know the drill, “Misery needs company”  He didn’t engage, and shared with me how he was not going accept that invitation to perpetuate negativity.

I was so intrigued with that response;  if someone invites you into their negative energy field, you can decline the invitation!  He said that he thought of positive things while listening to his co-worker, and miracle of miracles the co-workers whole energy shifted without my husband saying a thing, or agreeing with the negativity!

It got me thinking how this relates to romantic relationships…when you are dating or already in a marriage, or you have completed a relationship (divorced or non married break up) and share children together.

I am very energy sensitive, and when my husband (then boyfriend) and I started living together, I wasn’t used to anybody else’s energy but my own, so whether I was in a good mood or a bad one, it was mine to be with alone.  When I became committed into a relationship & cohabitation, we both realized that our moods affected one another.  If my husband was in a bad mood, or was visibly upset, I learned to breathe through it & not take it on as my own.  In the infancy of our relationship, he felt as though I didn’t care about the situation, if I wasn’t visibly upset.  As we grew our listening skills, we both learned that misery doesn’t need company, and that sometimes all we need to do is vent, and have someone listen while we release the negative energy.  The listener doesn’t need to be emotionally affected by the venting, just be a safe loving presence in which to anchor in love, so that when the person venting has fully released the negative energy, they can slide right into the love.

So next time a loved one is negative, don’t personalize it! while you are listening to them…send them loving thoughts and watch how the energy shifts!

October 28th, 2008 | Category: Love & Relationships | Comments (1)

I have a client, who is not having her needs met.  She claims that, her man just isn’t satisfying her in the romantic department.  There seems to be a bypass of any courtship, because they are both so busy.  She said that they are both in an accelerated pace in their careers, and that the physical distance between them (they are an hour away from each other) doesn’t help either.   On the one hand, since she is so busy…this part time relationship is proving to be just what she needs, though when they are together, it’s as if they are always starting the “getting to know you” phase.   As someone who dated long distance, and then got married, I can’t poo poo this arrangement, but eventually the constant honeymoon phase wears thin.  As much as I connected with my boyfriend at the time, it never felt quite real, it was always a vacation.  I didn’t feel like we truly grew in our relationship, until we lived in the same town, the same home, and fully committed to building a solid foundation.  I am not saying that you have to live with someone, while you are dating, just that it’s a good idea to experience them in a more constant lifestyle.

I think the courtship is important, it’s a way to be vulnerable, and develop good listening skills with your partner.  I also believe that, it shouldn’t be difficult to make time for this courtship, even in an accelerated time in a career, because life is always happening…and if this person is someone that you intuitively feel would be a good partner, then it’s so worth investing the time.

Share with this person what you want, like, desire…because in the end, if you are not present, they will not really know you, and you don’t want to wake up, be married, and wonder “Who is this person?”  and also have them wondering the same thing.

Listen…share…be vulnerable…make romatic time a priority!

October 14th, 2008 | Category: Love & Relationships | Leave a comment

There was a title on MSN this morning saying that the recession is good news. I have not yet read the story, but it got me thinking…In a world where people have been living beyond their means, says to me that these people were not present in their lives. If someone is not fully present in their lives, how can they have a rich and rewarding intimate relationship? To have an intimate relationship with another, is being available, develop good listening skills, be honest, and truthful about your feelings and your actions.

Experts say that the two things that couples divorce or fight about in relationships are sex and finances, I dare say that it’s really about finances, because if things are not going so well in the finance department, it seems to affect every other area in ones life. In my own past experience, when my husband and I were on financial shaky ground, we were so tired from running around trying to get everything in order, in balance. When you are tired, it seems like romance goes out the window! We had to look at our own behavior, our own beliefs about ourselves and how that relates to money. After, some serious conversations and healing shifts in consciousness, our individual and collective intimacy deepened, and our partnership have grown.

I embrace the idea, that this time in our country, is not a time to panic, but a time for self reflection, and a re-dedication to honoring what is truly important in life, not things, but love & intimacy!

You will attract a partner into your life, who loves you from an authentic heart space, not because of what you can buy them, or what designer clothes you are wearing, or that you drive a luxury car, or reside in a mansion (don’t get me wrong, those things are not BAD, as long as you acquire them while living in your means)

They will love you, because of you! They will be attracted to the intimate, honest, “This is who I am, and how I feel about things” person that you are.

Here’s to a rich and rewarding relationship, and you can take that to the bank!

October 7th, 2008 | Category: Love & Relationships | Leave a comment

I am an epic dreamer, I wake up with the memory of full fledged movies in my head,  and  much to the delight (or feigned) of my husband, he gets to hear about them. He is often a main character in them, so he gets to hear of all the wild & wacky (and sometimes egoistical) things that my psyche has him doing. In my dream,  the night before last, he was rushed to the hospital with a coronary, because he had gained too much weight & he was in trouble of getting a stroke. Listen folks, I do have the pretty pretty dreams too, but recently (in real life) my 50 year old brother (who is a beacon of health) had a TIA or mini stroke. He is okay, but it was a warning sign. I was very upset…okay I freaked out! This is my big brother after all…and I believe that this led me into my dream of somehow possibly losing my husband. I know that when I have gotten those early morning calls ”Ellen it’s about Mom or it’s about dad” I go into panic mode, and I never expected it to be about my brother.

I had gone to my Sacred Goddess Circle meeting the next day, and we had a powerful meditation. Like with my dreams I communed with Spirit, my indwelling truth, and I got a powerful enlightenment! As much as I was concerned for family member’s health, I had a fear of: If something happened to them…what about me? Who would take care of me? As if I needed a man to take care of me?! And this blew me away, because I thought that I was the “I am woman, hear me roar” type! This is old ancient stuff…and WOW, was I happy that this sediment became loose & I got to see it, so that I could heal it. To know that the men in my life are not God, that the god/Love inside of me is all I need to take care of my earthly needs.

Funny, I watched Grays Anatomy last night, and there was a story line about a husband being in a car accident & needing surgery & the wife finding out that the insurance was about to expire & she didn’t know what to do, because he had always taken care of her, the money, she had no idea what was going on or what to do to handle it.

I recognized that the mass conscious thought of helpless woman, needing man to take care of things is still alive, and to dispel this egoic thought pattern, I would reconfirm that “I” am the beacon of self love & self care, and that “I” am the representation of a spiritual being, having a human experience & that all of my earthy needs are met, simply because I exist.

I share all of this, to remind my female readers that, a partnership is based on mutual self growth support, it is not a dependency & most importantly it is not a place to hide the largess of your spirit, it is a forum for embracing the powerful light being that you are!

So my sisters…Rock on with your bad selves!

September 26th, 2008 | Category: Love & Relationships | Leave a comment

This was in the headlines at MSN today:

Police: Dirty dishes sparked girlfriend’s rampage

Clearly this couple is not coming from a heart directed place in their relationship! This was one of extreme anger, created from a young woman’s need to control her lover’s behavior, and his need to control by omission.

Hey you guys, if you’re reading this, give me a call! As a Relationship Coach, I can help (and probably could have saved you the 10,000 bail the courts have now imposed upon you!

Ah, young love… (this is in no way condescending people, as I know a lot of people who are immature at love, yet not so in the chronological department) it is something that is so raw with ego, that it takes allot of loving and gentle coaching to emerge from this stance into a being capable of heart centered relationships, based in the embrace of ones learned ability to self love.

This is the space in which my clients learn to forgive themselves for not knowing what intimacy is, it’s not just about great sex, or how many flowers you received, it’s about how you can be a loving support to your mate, how well you listen to your heart, so that you can be available to hear them free and clear of those egoic voices in your head that, wants what you want, when you want it.

When you can release the need to control, and the need to have things, or the need for anything outside of yourself, because in needing things or control means you feel empty or like you don’t have enough to make you happy, and that there in is the rub, because you have always had the “IT” you seek! You have you!

I am married, but when I was single..I was a very happy single person. I really learned to cultivate a loving relationship with myself, and in turn the folks that manifested into my life, were/are amazingly loving, heart centered and generous people. I always enjoyed myself, and when I met the man who was to become my husband, it was because I wasn’t looking for someone to complete me it was because I was in the throes of my happy life, and he just stepped into that flow to join me in the fun!

I have learned that when he leaves dirty dishes in the sink, to just smile & think of how much his random acts of kindness to me & others outweigh any of the small stuff!

What do you appreciate about your partner?

Or if you are single, how do you release the need to control others around you?

September 17th, 2008 | Category: Love & Relationships | Leave a comment

“I Got a Crush…On Obama” By Obama Girl

The DNC & the RNC conventions have been so many things; exciting, thought provoking, promising, charming, dashing, inspiring, it’s kind of like dating.  In the beginning, this new person in your life seems so debonnaire, so witty, so intelligent, could this be love?  The things that they share seem so forthright, and you hang on every word!  You have met their families, heard about their fanciful youth, and you are sure that this person will be your one and only, forever.

Until 4 years go by, and the honeymoon phase is over, and you wonder, “What happened to all of those grandiose ideas, the promises that were made.  You start to see the flaws in your beloved, and how they have been firmly kicked off of the pedestal and deemed human, like the rest of us!

You wondered why you ever thought that they were so great in the first place!  You may start seeking out relationship advice, wondering if your communication skills need adjusting, because your relationship has lost it’s luster, it doesn’t  feel intimate anymore, you are feeling a little jaded & lonely, wondering if your friends & family will forgive you for voting this person into office, as they have neglected their duties as a responsible partisan.

The truth is, you cannot expect one person to heal the country, just like you cannot expect one person to either fill a void in your life, or complete you. Just like with the president, they really don’t have the ultimate power, it is congress who ultimately run the nation.

In the world of dating, your job is to be honest with yourself and your partner.  You develop You, and know that as you deepen your self awareness & are able to put voice to your feelings, hopes & desires, you will develop the ability to feel fulfilled by your indwelling self, and the person you share life with (even if it’s just a first date) will either vibrate where you are, or it will dissipate with the long gone promises of what they can do for you.

I liken it to Kennedys speech “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country”

When you are dating, be of service to that person sitting across from you, be of service to them by being honest with who you are & what you want in life.  don’t follow some silly preconceived idea, of how you think you should act ala The Rules, just be real about the kind of lifestyle you want, how you will show up to be of integrity with that lifestyle, and know that they will either vote for the relationship, or not, and you will accept the nomination or not.

I vote for putting your true self on the table, and let the chips fall where they may!  You have developed the ability to walk over & around them to be available for a partnership  that is beneficial for all!

Who are you voting for?  Stand up on the podium and be the truth of who you are!

September 12th, 2008 | Category: Love & Relationships | Leave a comment

We have all been there, right?  You meet, you date, you go through the 3 to 4 month cycle of courtship (there seems to be this natural dating flow) and then you decide if it’s a go, or you go on your separate ways.

There you are at this cornerstone of your dating life saying, “Why did this happen”  If he (she) wasn’t the right one, why did I need to experience this? You may wonder if there is something wrong with you!

I have always loved this quote, “There is no rejection, just Gods protection” That when something ends, it is actually completing it’s life cycle.  It isn’t that you were not worthy, or “enough” Or that they were bad, or wrong for releasing the relationship (or if you did) to me this means that, emotionally & spiritually you were not in the same place, at the same time.

I remember in my dating past (a very long time ago!) one of my guy friends teased me for my active dating, by saying “What is he Ellen, Mr. Right Now?”  At first I was hurt, maybe he was right…I didn’t seem to have many long term relationships!  But then I had an epiphany!  I was growing & deepening my inner self, learning to truly love myself for who I am, and in that learning curve, every time I would blink my eyes, there would be a new man in front of me, because I kept moving forward & expanding my heart.  Each man would be a reflection of where I was at, at that moment.  I knew that one day, there would be a man who would keep pace with me, grow with me, and he would be my Mr. Right Now, forever.

So, when a relationship ends; rejection is just an illusion.  You are actually unclogging the pathway, clearing the space to move forward and closer to your Mr. (Mrs.) Right Now!

Where are you, and who do you see in front of you as your reflection?

September 4th, 2008 | Category: Love & Relationships | Leave a comment

‘The Closer’ now the opener; to testify about husband’s vision, values

In the primaries, she was dubbed “the Closer” for her ability to persuade undecided voters to come on board. Now she’s the opener, the first-night star called upon to testify about her husband’s vision and values.

Her lack of pretense comes with a certain resistance to political packaging and she’s expressed the surprise of the newly famous that a comment here or a gesture there can create such a fuss.

They are talking about that fist bump again!

What really struck me though was the authentic way that Michelle Obama truly supports her partner in his greatest good. This is what marriage truly means! Marriage is a relationship, a union, a partnership in which one partner is in service to the other, by supporting their vision, by holding them up to the intentions that they have set for themselves, to stare down adversity, and to love & support their mate unwavering.

We are not all running for the presidency, nor are we the going to be the First Lady or First Man (Hey..it will happen one day, and with the right candidate!) but we are in our own microcosm of the world, and it is our spiritual duty to uplift our beloved, so that they may be in the activity of their destiny. This is our job, as a partner, as a country (wo)man as a global constituent. This is how there will be global expansion, and it begins with love and continues with love.

So, thanks Michelle Obama, for loving your man well & being a shining example of the limitless possibilities in the partnership of marriage.

Remember, if he or she is not physically evident in your life at the present moment, they still exist & you can share with them, as you clear away the space for them to come forward and into your life.

How are you loving your partner today?

August 25th, 2008 | Category: Love & Relationships | Comments (1)

“I felt the gold around me,” Jones said, “but if you can’t finish the race, you don’t deserve to be the champion.

This was the headliner on my MSN homepage this morning. I have been having a great Olympic Experience, watching all these sports that I didn’t expect I would be watching (I knew that I would watch the gymnastics portion & Basketball) but who knew that I would watch the Womens Badminton event between the two top seeded players from China, and Volleyball which is on now (Knew I would catch Misty May-Treanor) and then track & field, specifically the hurdles, and when I saw the emotion from this woman LoLo Jones (made me think of Flo Jo) when she tripped on the hurdle, and consequently made the statement above I had to write this.

In healthy relationships, the foundation starts with you. You learn the practice of self care, and as you develop your skill set of learning to love yourself well, you attract that same light in all that you manifest. Sometimes we attract people and/or situations that we perceive to not be good for us, when in fact there is growth & emergence IN ALL experiences. There are times when painful experiences are our best teachers! This deepens our self awareness, and draws us closer into the essence of who we are.

LoLo is a champion, she is someone who has battled adversity, trained her body, mind & spirit to be a fine tuned vehicle in which light energy moves her in beautiful ways. She forgot for a moment who she really is as a perfect emanation of pure spirit, allowed her ego to run the gamut, and declared herself NOT a champion.

One thing I know about champions, is that they are people who can surpass all limitations (which can be of the body,mind and spirit) and embrace the olympic gold of life! A medal doesn’t mean champion, well it does in a linear way, but the ability to get up, rise up, dust yourself off, and bask in the self love & love of humanity that surrounds you, now that is an olympic gold medal champion! Lolo has global, universal love surrounding her right now, loving her and uplifting her, and this perceived “bad thing” created the well spring of love ! So there is Goodness in every experience.

Relationships are like this, you may jump over many hurdles, and some may knock you down, but that does not end your title of Love Champion, in fact it makes you the winner of all! Love, is something that you cultivate & develop in your love muscle, and this muscle has memory, so sweating the small stuff dissipates, and because you have the olympic stamina of a true champion, you reign love supreme, just like Lolo!!

How do you remember your truth, when lifes hurdles can seemingly slow you down?

August 19th, 2008 | Category: Love & Relationships | Leave a comment